Healing Our Heart Defect
Around this time last year, we were in the full swing of trying to bring Faith home as soon as possible. I had it on my mind constantly. One night, I had a dream that I was talking to someone who said, “I know you think you are bringing her home to help her heart, but the heart that actually needs help is yours.”
It alarmed me enough that it woke me from my sleep, and I remained awake for a good while thinking about it. I am not claiming that I had some type of King Nebuchadnezzar dream, but as I have been reading through that part of the Bible recently, it has reminded me of this experience.
Ezekiel 36:26 “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
The truth is, years before we began our first adoption journey, my heart needed some drastic attention. I had been focused on all the wrong things. The scary part is that I thought I was doing everything right. According to the people and culture around me, I was right on track. After graduate school, I got married and got a good job in a medical field. I worked hard every day and focused on paying off our student loan debt, saving for retirement and planning yearly vacations. We built a nice house, and I spent a lot of time keeping it neat and clean.
But that’s not all. I went to church 3 times every week. I read my Bible most every day. Most weeks, we got together with a smaller group of friends and had an additional Bible study on Friday nights. I sent notes to people who were sick, gave money to people and delivered meals to people. I also refrained from the “bad” stuff, such as cursing, lying, and drinking alcohol.
But something was missing, and I knew it. Instead of having a deep, personal relationship with God, I completed more of a check list. What I focused on every day, what motivated me, was not always seeking His will and asking Him how I could serve others, but rather, on keeping busy with my earthly goals. As far as my spiritual walk, I was just kind of going through the motions.
Matthew 15:8 “These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.”
As I started to seek Him more, and Jian’s adoption process began, I had no other choice but to depend completely on Him. Once she came home, we had a difficult first two years, and I continued to depend on Him. But after we crossed the hurdle of her successful surgeries, I felt myself craving that previous life again. I wanted nothing more than to sit back, prop my feet up, and settle into a more easy, comfortable life. One that I felt like I had somewhat under control.
But He loved me more than to let me do that. He brought little Faith into my life. And through my love of this precious one born with a different heart, He ironically healed me of my own heart defect. From the outside, I don’t know how noticeably different my life is today vs. then. We still live in a nice house in a good school system for the girls. We still enjoy taking the girls on vacations. But the difference is my focus and what drives me every single day. Seeking Him from the time my eyes open every morning, asking to be a servant to those around me each day. Actively trying to draw closer to Him. All of these other things are blessings, but they certainly don’t matter and could be gone in the blink of an eye. I think Job sums it up best in Job 42:5.
“My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.”
And what a beautiful sight it is.