She caught me off guard

On : 19 September, 2013 | Category : Jian is home!

I was not prepared for the question that came to me last night.  In my mind, months ago, I knew these questions would begin.  But it is so easy to let your guard down when things appear to be going well, and forget to keep yourself in her shoes, looking through her eyes at all times.  She wanted to know how long she was going to be able to stay here with us.  At first, I misunderstood what she was asking.  Then she persisted.  “A long time? A long, long, long time?”  Yes!  You are our daughter forever.  You can always stay here.  She didn’t understand the words always or forever, even when I typed them into our translation app.  I told her that she will always be our daughter and that we love her very much.  She held my gaze and searched my eyes.  “Yeah?”  She sounded uncertain.

 

She has also been pointing out the fact that I have not had a baby in my belly and that maybe I will like to have a baby and not Jian Ying.  I told her again that we chose her out of all the children in the whole world to be our little girl.  Finally her entire face lit up with the biggest smile I have seen.  “Ok.”  She seemed satisfied at the moment and went back to polishing her toe nails.  I was able to take some time this morning just to sit in our quiet house after I took her to school and grieve the fact that she carries these fears in her heart (and to some degree probably always will.)  I also grieve for the children in the foster care system who really do have to be concerned about this question.  And I can’t help but make comparisons to our relationship with God.

 

“I will be your God, and you will be My people.”  “I will not leave you nor forsake you.” 

 

How often do we forget or doubt these truths?  But even as our faith waivers and our anxieties increase, God waits patiently for us to return our gaze upon Him and remember His everlasting love for us.

 

“Unless you become as little children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.” 

 

Thank you, Lord, for helping me to see through the eyes of this innocent child.

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